Fuck-n cray cray

So.. here lately I have really let things get to me. J is just not worth my time. He is so inconsistent. I will talk to him one night about getting fucking married.. and then the next fews days I just get bullshit. I just know he is full of shit because if he really meant what he said then he would prove that he cared.. or you know what? He wouldn't have to prove it because I would be able to tell. But I can't. And how do I know what is truth and what is not? I don't know! He doesn't fill me in at all. He says he's busy, but how am I supposed to know that. Just not messaging back won't cut it. I'm realizing now that it just won't work. Part of me feels bad about it, but the smart me knows this is what's best. I am not able to handle it anymore. I definitely deleted him from my phone too. I mean I have his number saved somewhere if I need it, but I've done all I think I can. I just want a relationship that I don't have to stress over. I know that no one is perfect. But I think there is better out there. I deserve better. I know this. I shouldn't let myself be treated like shit. My family and friends agree too. I mean they see how he treats me. I just have to move on from it. I kind of want to delete him on facebook, but I think I am more mature than that. He may be attractive to me, but it's not worth feeling this bad over. I don't know if I will write much more about this. There is so much how I feel though. It makes me sad to write this because I do care about him. I think that should actually be more in past tense. I mean if he cared he would show me. That's enough.

So there's this other guy that is pretty awesome. I like him alot, but guess what? I can't date him. You want to know why? He's black. I'm white if you didn't know that already. To me it doesn't matter one bit, but my family on the other hand... They really do care because they are traditional. I really hope that one day it is okay for anyone to be together. It's sad because he is so much of a better person that J. We will call him W. W calls me or texts me everyday. He makes sure I get home alright. He cares. I've only gone out with him once, but it was a really fun time. After that I talked to my mom about a supposed situation. I didn't tell her it was me, but yeah she said that it would be bad. I ended up telling her because I was crying uncontrollably the other night. I think I was PMSing or something. I really don't ever have effects from that. BUT OMG it was bad. I think J was fucking with me too and stress from school just really got to me. Of course I let him know that we couldn't be anything serious, but that I still wanted to see him. I hope he understands this. I mean I can handle just the whole not-serious thing. That's what I have always done. So really I have to just see what happens. BTW black guys are amazing kissers;)

Yeah so I did end up calling A, but didn't get a call back. Oh well. I kind of thought he would call me back, but thinking back on it that wasn't very smart. He said he had to move on. Calling me back wouldn't be moving on. So, that's all. Sometimes I have little flashbacks from us hanging out. I think that's okay though because it's good memories. I mean there's always a chance I'll see him again. However slight that may be.. Haha. I still have good memories. Damn he was so good at stuff. He was just good conversation too and fun. He's the best guy I have met so far. He's so interesting. Like appreciates life and goes and does stuff. I actually learned things from him, kinda weird, but to appreciate nature and time. And walking in parks. And scenic views. I mean FUCK i have such good memories from 4 dates. ONLY 4 dates. It feels like I knew him for so much longer. Thank goodness he doesn't have a facebook because I think that I'd have been driven crazy. He's a great guy, and I do hope I run into him again. Maybe he'll call me? Who knows. If he wants to he will. And that's all I can leave it as. He was so cute. Honestly I think I will find someone amazing anyway. But he sure was cool. That is all.

Well life will happen, and it is what it is. I've done what I can. Wow life is still good. I just have to realize that. I really can't have that many complaints. I must stop letting guys get to me so much. I am myself, and guys will follow if they are worth it. If not, then they will not be in my life. It's time for optimistic me to be back:)

Live it up