Break your heart

I don't know what is going on in my life right now, I'm really confused. But I'm not going to talk about the heart of the problem. I am going to cut at the outside bothersome things first. So for some God awful reason, I still am somewhat fixated on A. Maybe fixated is not the best word, but I still think about him. I guess that is so unrealistic, but for some reason I can't let go. I need to find a way to do that. For some reason, because of the other problems in my life, I feel the urge to contact him. I do realize this is not a good idea. I mean I have contacted him and he does not want to respond. I guess I have this feeling that I should run it into the ground first. That way there is no chance of anything else. But even if I was to contact him, 2:30Am is probably not the best time. Why do I have such issues in life? Sometimes I feel like I lack certain social processing skills. I just set myself up to be hurt, and all guys ARE THE SAME. Even if you trust one and love him, he still will break your heart. It just hurts. And I don't know what to do. It just makes me sad.. Makes me question what is true. I really should be asleep right now. Maybe I can think of something to send A without sounding crazy. You know, it'd be real nice to make a trip up to see NYC. What to do though? Am I just hanging on to something that has no hope? I still have that feeling. But my personality is that you gota be proactive in life, and don't let things slip by. Maybe the best thing to do is to take a step back from everything and just focus energy elsewhere. I just don't want to be hurt anymore than I already am. What is meant to be will be.

live it up. carpe diem!