Break your heart

I don't know what is going on in my life right now, I'm really confused. But I'm not going to talk about the heart of the problem. I am going to cut at the outside bothersome things first. So for some God awful reason, I still am somewhat fixated on A. Maybe fixated is not the best word, but I still think about him. I guess that is so unrealistic, but for some reason I can't let go. I need to find a way to do that. For some reason, because of the other problems in my life, I feel the urge to contact him. I do realize this is not a good idea. I mean I have contacted him and he does not want to respond. I guess I have this feeling that I should run it into the ground first. That way there is no chance of anything else. But even if I was to contact him, 2:30Am is probably not the best time. Why do I have such issues in life? Sometimes I feel like I lack certain social processing skills. I just set myself up to be hurt, and all guys ARE THE SAME. Even if you trust one and love him, he still will break your heart. It just hurts. And I don't know what to do. It just makes me sad.. Makes me question what is true. I really should be asleep right now. Maybe I can think of something to send A without sounding crazy. You know, it'd be real nice to make a trip up to see NYC. What to do though? Am I just hanging on to something that has no hope? I still have that feeling. But my personality is that you gota be proactive in life, and don't let things slip by. Maybe the best thing to do is to take a step back from everything and just focus energy elsewhere. I just don't want to be hurt anymore than I already am. What is meant to be will be.

live it up. carpe diem!

life decisions

I have been feeling really strange in some parts of life, but good in others. I am still with W, but I have no clue what I will do about my family. That is something that ill deal with later.. I really care about him! like for reals, so I just want to see what happens.. Something will work out for the best, I just am not sure how that will happen just yet. It is nice to actually have a boyfriend thought, I have never really experienced that. I don't like the whole overprotective part however. I guess I am just not used to it. But he's so good. I can't go all into it, because that'd take foreves. But we will just leave it at he's great, and oh so good.

But for some reason since this summer I have been second guessing my decision to be an elementary teacher. Is it really what I want to do? I have no idea. I think I will be awesome at it, but what if I can do something more. It's not like i care about money or anything, but I want to do something that fulfills me. Meet my potential. Don't settle. All that fun stuff. I still have this desire for psychology. I'm thinking I can do something like the educational psychology class i am taking this semester. I feel like this semester will be the test for me to see if teaching will be my thing, or if maybe a counseling/therapy thing will be more for me. I don't feel like I should make any big changes now, because I want to see how it is first. There's so much homework I have to do this semester! I am really getting into the hard stuff. Even though it is really interesting, it will be so time consuming with the reading and all. Well I can't do anything about anything now, so I am just going to be happy with my awesome life for now and the people in it. I hope that me and W work out somehow:) we shall see but for now..

live it up

Fuck-n cray cray

So.. here lately I have really let things get to me. J is just not worth my time. He is so inconsistent. I will talk to him one night about getting fucking married.. and then the next fews days I just get bullshit. I just know he is full of shit because if he really meant what he said then he would prove that he cared.. or you know what? He wouldn't have to prove it because I would be able to tell. But I can't. And how do I know what is truth and what is not? I don't know! He doesn't fill me in at all. He says he's busy, but how am I supposed to know that. Just not messaging back won't cut it. I'm realizing now that it just won't work. Part of me feels bad about it, but the smart me knows this is what's best. I am not able to handle it anymore. I definitely deleted him from my phone too. I mean I have his number saved somewhere if I need it, but I've done all I think I can. I just want a relationship that I don't have to stress over. I know that no one is perfect. But I think there is better out there. I deserve better. I know this. I shouldn't let myself be treated like shit. My family and friends agree too. I mean they see how he treats me. I just have to move on from it. I kind of want to delete him on facebook, but I think I am more mature than that. He may be attractive to me, but it's not worth feeling this bad over. I don't know if I will write much more about this. There is so much how I feel though. It makes me sad to write this because I do care about him. I think that should actually be more in past tense. I mean if he cared he would show me. That's enough.

So there's this other guy that is pretty awesome. I like him alot, but guess what? I can't date him. You want to know why? He's black. I'm white if you didn't know that already. To me it doesn't matter one bit, but my family on the other hand... They really do care because they are traditional. I really hope that one day it is okay for anyone to be together. It's sad because he is so much of a better person that J. We will call him W. W calls me or texts me everyday. He makes sure I get home alright. He cares. I've only gone out with him once, but it was a really fun time. After that I talked to my mom about a supposed situation. I didn't tell her it was me, but yeah she said that it would be bad. I ended up telling her because I was crying uncontrollably the other night. I think I was PMSing or something. I really don't ever have effects from that. BUT OMG it was bad. I think J was fucking with me too and stress from school just really got to me. Of course I let him know that we couldn't be anything serious, but that I still wanted to see him. I hope he understands this. I mean I can handle just the whole not-serious thing. That's what I have always done. So really I have to just see what happens. BTW black guys are amazing kissers;)

Yeah so I did end up calling A, but didn't get a call back. Oh well. I kind of thought he would call me back, but thinking back on it that wasn't very smart. He said he had to move on. Calling me back wouldn't be moving on. So, that's all. Sometimes I have little flashbacks from us hanging out. I think that's okay though because it's good memories. I mean there's always a chance I'll see him again. However slight that may be.. Haha. I still have good memories. Damn he was so good at stuff. He was just good conversation too and fun. He's the best guy I have met so far. He's so interesting. Like appreciates life and goes and does stuff. I actually learned things from him, kinda weird, but to appreciate nature and time. And walking in parks. And scenic views. I mean FUCK i have such good memories from 4 dates. ONLY 4 dates. It feels like I knew him for so much longer. Thank goodness he doesn't have a facebook because I think that I'd have been driven crazy. He's a great guy, and I do hope I run into him again. Maybe he'll call me? Who knows. If he wants to he will. And that's all I can leave it as. He was so cute. Honestly I think I will find someone amazing anyway. But he sure was cool. That is all.

Well life will happen, and it is what it is. I've done what I can. Wow life is still good. I just have to realize that. I really can't have that many complaints. I must stop letting guys get to me so much. I am myself, and guys will follow if they are worth it. If not, then they will not be in my life. It's time for optimistic me to be back:)

Live it up

sooooo

fucking confused..

One day J is saying he wants me to be his girlfriend, the next he's saying we should date ON THE SIDE.. what the fuck man. I don't even know where to begin with this situation. I think it is best to just not do anything. I don't think I can handle being the side girl. That's below my standards. I totally let my hopes get up after talking to him on the phone.. And i thought that was ok, but it def was not. It sucks because I do want to be with him, but I don't just want to be another girl in his life. I actually want to mean something to his future. But how can I know how he really feels? Can I trust him and what he says? I hope so, but I just don't know. This just makes me full of sadness because he canceled the day we were supposed to do something as well. Maybe one day we'll figure out something.. blahhhhhh. i really need to be at the beach.. That will make me feel so much better.

I have been thinking about A lately for some reason. I thought I was over that, but I guess not. It's kind of like I didn't want it to just end like that. I don't know what else to do though, because it's not like I can just call and be like what up friend?? I'm pretty sure I'll text him or call in the near future just to be like hey i didnt want it to end like that, but you may not wana talk but I just wanted to give it a try. And he can either respond or not.. up to him. Since he's the one that ended it in the first place. Honestly it was better that way, but I wish we were still friends or some shit like that. I am going to have to consult some people on this one though. I don't want to do anything stupid. I will prob hold off for awhile just to let it settle(all those crazy girl feeling) im also about to start that time of the month, so maybe that's why i am feeling so psychotic. Maybe shoot him a message in July or August. I have no idea. It's probably a terrible idea, but I still think what do I have to lose. I'll prob never see him again anyway. I like having that what the hell feeling, but sometimes I question it. Like maybe I should think before I do things. You can always make a choice, but you can't choose your consequences.

I just want to have a good summer and be happy. I'm just going to quit thinking about boys. For now at least, and figure myself out. Something like that. And one day something will hit me..

Live it up!

okayyy

So for some reason, I am just feeling like really bad at the moment. I don't even know why. I just have this feeling of sadness looming over me. But there isn't really a reason for this that I can figure out. I text J today, and that was alright, but I just wanted more out of it I guess. But I shouldn't really expect much from text.. I just want to see him. But I don't know when that will happen. Ugghhhh I'm just not at ease right now. I have been too busy working too. I need some chill time. Thank goodness I am going to the beach next week too. I am not sure who is going with, but I'll go by myself if I have to... hah. I just want something to work out well between me and J. I don't know what the hell i want.. but I just hope that I get to seem him soon. I think that's what I want for now. It sucks being the one that always texts.. Ahhh I just need to focus on myself. That sounds pretty narcissistic but it's a good thing to do. He said he was moving back to the city anyways sometime this year so we'll see what happens. I need to talk to him and figure out when he will be doing that too.

This really makes me question why I am so dependent on men. But I really can't answer that. It's not like I need them, but I have this deep desire and want for them ugghhhhh lol

Best principal ever..

My first day of teaching was a success! They seemed to learn something and like me! Kindergarteners can get out of control so easily though. It was a great school too, with great community support and a great principal. She came in the library before we went out to our classrooms and more or less gave us a pep talk. She talked about how children need to be loved, not yelled at. She really had a passion for the students. I want to be like her one day, I mean she could retire already, but she is still working hard to make the school the best it can be.I hope to be an administrator one day as well. It was interesting to see how the children went about during the class. I bet they were completely different at the beginning of the year though. I can't wait to be a teacher because the children are just too sweet and awesome. I'm glad I am going to college so i can have a clue of what I'm doing too! Awesome experience! I hope I get the opportunity to do it again.

This was the longest day everrrr though. Woke up at 5Am... Its 9Pm.. My body is like why are we still awake??? Night night. More later. Hopefully we'll get some news on the boy front soon.

Live it up

First day semi-teaching

My first solo teaching experience is tomorrow. I'm teaching a kindergarten class about business and money. I'm pretty excited about it so I can work with the kids. And i guess make sure this whole teaching thing is for me. I hope they are nice to me and not complete evil hell-raisers! Too bad I have to be there at like 7:30 Am. This is entirely too early for me! I guess I'll have to get used to it eventually, but I'm still young man! Sleep is still oh so precious to me. That's why I'm going to hit the sack early tonight. Need that beauty sleep.

So talked to J last night. I ended up texting him... Yeah I know I said I wouldn't anymore, but I had a good reason. It ended up being a good thing because we talked for a while on the phone. Plus, we skyped later. Boy was that fun ;) I think i'll get to see him sometime soon. That would be great, but rather difficult because he is talking to someone. So, I would have to be respectful of that. Even though i know when i see him it will be hard to not try to do anything or just want to kiss him. At least I know I can hug, that's rather innocent isn't it? I know it would lead to something else.. I'll have to practice self-control for real. But he called me earlier tonight, but I think it was a butt-dial because i couldn't hear anything when i picked up. And when I called back, he didn't answer. And he hasn't called me back. I just hope that he wasn't with the lady he's talking to, because that would be sooooo awkward! It is what it is.. He said if I was older, he would so be dating me now.. What the hell man? why does that even matter? I want more clarification haha.

Well, off to be a kindergarten teacher tomorrow! wish me luck!

live it up!