sooooo

fucking confused..

One day J is saying he wants me to be his girlfriend, the next he's saying we should date ON THE SIDE.. what the fuck man. I don't even know where to begin with this situation. I think it is best to just not do anything. I don't think I can handle being the side girl. That's below my standards. I totally let my hopes get up after talking to him on the phone.. And i thought that was ok, but it def was not. It sucks because I do want to be with him, but I don't just want to be another girl in his life. I actually want to mean something to his future. But how can I know how he really feels? Can I trust him and what he says? I hope so, but I just don't know. This just makes me full of sadness because he canceled the day we were supposed to do something as well. Maybe one day we'll figure out something.. blahhhhhh. i really need to be at the beach.. That will make me feel so much better.

I have been thinking about A lately for some reason. I thought I was over that, but I guess not. It's kind of like I didn't want it to just end like that. I don't know what else to do though, because it's not like I can just call and be like what up friend?? I'm pretty sure I'll text him or call in the near future just to be like hey i didnt want it to end like that, but you may not wana talk but I just wanted to give it a try. And he can either respond or not.. up to him. Since he's the one that ended it in the first place. Honestly it was better that way, but I wish we were still friends or some shit like that. I am going to have to consult some people on this one though. I don't want to do anything stupid. I will prob hold off for awhile just to let it settle(all those crazy girl feeling) im also about to start that time of the month, so maybe that's why i am feeling so psychotic. Maybe shoot him a message in July or August. I have no idea. It's probably a terrible idea, but I still think what do I have to lose. I'll prob never see him again anyway. I like having that what the hell feeling, but sometimes I question it. Like maybe I should think before I do things. You can always make a choice, but you can't choose your consequences.

I just want to have a good summer and be happy. I'm just going to quit thinking about boys. For now at least, and figure myself out. Something like that. And one day something will hit me..

Live it up!

okayyy

So for some reason, I am just feeling like really bad at the moment. I don't even know why. I just have this feeling of sadness looming over me. But there isn't really a reason for this that I can figure out. I text J today, and that was alright, but I just wanted more out of it I guess. But I shouldn't really expect much from text.. I just want to see him. But I don't know when that will happen. Ugghhhh I'm just not at ease right now. I have been too busy working too. I need some chill time. Thank goodness I am going to the beach next week too. I am not sure who is going with, but I'll go by myself if I have to... hah. I just want something to work out well between me and J. I don't know what the hell i want.. but I just hope that I get to seem him soon. I think that's what I want for now. It sucks being the one that always texts.. Ahhh I just need to focus on myself. That sounds pretty narcissistic but it's a good thing to do. He said he was moving back to the city anyways sometime this year so we'll see what happens. I need to talk to him and figure out when he will be doing that too.

This really makes me question why I am so dependent on men. But I really can't answer that. It's not like I need them, but I have this deep desire and want for them ugghhhhh lol

Best principal ever..

My first day of teaching was a success! They seemed to learn something and like me! Kindergarteners can get out of control so easily though. It was a great school too, with great community support and a great principal. She came in the library before we went out to our classrooms and more or less gave us a pep talk. She talked about how children need to be loved, not yelled at. She really had a passion for the students. I want to be like her one day, I mean she could retire already, but she is still working hard to make the school the best it can be.I hope to be an administrator one day as well. It was interesting to see how the children went about during the class. I bet they were completely different at the beginning of the year though. I can't wait to be a teacher because the children are just too sweet and awesome. I'm glad I am going to college so i can have a clue of what I'm doing too! Awesome experience! I hope I get the opportunity to do it again.

This was the longest day everrrr though. Woke up at 5Am... Its 9Pm.. My body is like why are we still awake??? Night night. More later. Hopefully we'll get some news on the boy front soon.

Live it up

First day semi-teaching

My first solo teaching experience is tomorrow. I'm teaching a kindergarten class about business and money. I'm pretty excited about it so I can work with the kids. And i guess make sure this whole teaching thing is for me. I hope they are nice to me and not complete evil hell-raisers! Too bad I have to be there at like 7:30 Am. This is entirely too early for me! I guess I'll have to get used to it eventually, but I'm still young man! Sleep is still oh so precious to me. That's why I'm going to hit the sack early tonight. Need that beauty sleep.

So talked to J last night. I ended up texting him... Yeah I know I said I wouldn't anymore, but I had a good reason. It ended up being a good thing because we talked for a while on the phone. Plus, we skyped later. Boy was that fun ;) I think i'll get to see him sometime soon. That would be great, but rather difficult because he is talking to someone. So, I would have to be respectful of that. Even though i know when i see him it will be hard to not try to do anything or just want to kiss him. At least I know I can hug, that's rather innocent isn't it? I know it would lead to something else.. I'll have to practice self-control for real. But he called me earlier tonight, but I think it was a butt-dial because i couldn't hear anything when i picked up. And when I called back, he didn't answer. And he hasn't called me back. I just hope that he wasn't with the lady he's talking to, because that would be sooooo awkward! It is what it is.. He said if I was older, he would so be dating me now.. What the hell man? why does that even matter? I want more clarification haha.

Well, off to be a kindergarten teacher tomorrow! wish me luck!

live it up!

FML

Just had to throw that out there for the male situation. Fuck them all. All the guys that ignored my texts/calls and just thought of me as another girl.. That's so not me. I'm not taking anymore bullshit. I just don't want to let anyone else to get to me unless I know it is completely worth it. You can't always know but I think there has to be more evidence than what I have as of now. I hate having to disconnect my emotions from situations though, I want to give it all. Give everything a chance, but I guess that is how one gets hurt. In the end you have to figure out who is worth being hurt over. The wise Bob Marley once said,“Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”

So enough bitching... I hope I don't have to tell anymore stories of sadness. The next will be like a fairy tale.

Ok so I just text J, but he's not texting me back. I really don't need to text him anymore. He's just not being responsive and it seems like he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. What else can i do? I just need to not think about it. But def easier said than done, eh? All you girls out there feel me on this one I know. I just have to quit impulsing, because I have been wanting to text him for the past few days. I'm just gonna chill with it now though. If it's meant to be it'll happen: my mantra. That's just how I feel generally about everything in life. No pressure. Need to stay true to that. Just needed to talk about that a little.

But anyways, I am watching Sex and The City, getting ready for NUMBER 2! Which comes out right around my birfday! SOOOO excited! I just love the whole idea of it. It's a group of friends that are with each other for the long haul. They are all different in their own ways, but still are connected by the good ole NYC. I'm gonna go to the big apple one day soon. Oh man, it's at the scene where Big leaves Carrie at the alter. :( SO sad.

This week is going to pretty busy. Work M-F, JA on Weds, and test on Saturday. I really need to start studying ASAP for the test, but my study guide (turns out can only be downloaded once) was on the usb drive I turned my projects in on.. So it is quite important that I get that back tomorrow. I really should have planned ahead about that. Oh well!

I really wish I was writing this at the beach right now, but here in about 2-3 weeks that is exactly what I'll be doing. I might even try to not take my laptop, and just read and journal. That sounds like an awesome idea. I'm not sure if I can live without the internet for a week though. I'm pretty set on trying though. I will have to completely not take it though, because if I take it and say I won't check it, I know it will end up being checked. And many beach hours will end up being wasted to the treacherous internet. Oh how many hours of my precious life have been sucked up by the evil. It's kind of like S&M though, it might be bad for you, but boy is it fun..

tata for now

live it up!

Living at the hizzy..

...isn't bad at all. Although this will only be my third night here, it is going quite well. We did a big clean out today, so that makes me feel better. I finally have all my stuff unpacked and placed back in my room. I have way too much stuff! I think my stuff has multiplied itself like bunnies over these past nine months. I honestly can't believe how fast the time has gone by. I'm not sure if I want the summer to go by fast.. I have a feeling like I want life to slow down just a bit so I can take it all in. I hope some amazing things happen this summer. Just in general, I can't say anything specific. We'll see.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I have the best momma ever just sayin'... Hope its a good one to all you mothers out there! One day hopefully I will be wished Happy Mother's Day, however, not any time soon!... I've got so much left to see! Trying to hit up Italy next summer with the Education School.. WOOHOO. Hope it works out.

Good night loves. Just wanted to type some stuff.

Live it up

The living sitch

Alrighty...So I'm back at the parents house now..It's a nice place with food, and shelter, and loving people. BUT it has no freedom whatsoever. Curfew at 12, can't have guys over, and my sis doesn't even live here anymore. I really want to stay in an apartment, but the financial situation would totally blow because I would end up having to pay alot more for it out of my own money. If I stay in the dorms, my parents would help out quite alot. Another factor is safety. The place we were looking at is a bit sketchy and I wouldn't feel safe living there.. That is a problem with me. If I can't go out for a run in my own neighborhood, that isn't good. Oh well. It's so much less of a hassle to live in a dorm too. Everything is included in the price, no bills to pay. I would rather wait til my senior year and just get a nicer apt with my sister. On to more fun things..

Boys: Actually I don't have anything to say about this.. A and me are no longer talking. I guess it's better because he is leaving soon anyway. And I was already getting pretty attached. I mean not really attached, but I definitely liked him. It couldn't go anywhere though.. Maybe I'll see him again one day. Def not going to bet on that. So, J on the other hand... I text him one day last week and we were talking about missing each other, and he said I should come visit and stuff. I really do miss him for some reason. I wish he would be more open with me. Every other guy that I have been with are just more talkative about themselves. He always says that's just not how he is.. But I want to crack open that bubble man! I still want to know more about him, even though I have known him like a year almost, I don't know that much. But yeah so I called him one day, and he picked up but said he couldn't hear me so we text. Then he asked if I was talking to anyone.. I'm still not sure why he did that. But he said he was kinda talking to someone. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN...? I have no idea, and he would not really explain. So I don't even know about that situation. I hope I get to see him soon, but I'm just going to do my own thing for the summer. That is the best thing. Maybe I'll go see him, but I'm not going to try to talk to any guys. Or really I'm just not going to hunt anything out. I'm still only 19 so I have a while before I need to start worrying about relationships.

I ran my 5K this Saturday! I finished in 31:36. Pretty good for me I think! I have another one in June, So I'm hoping to better my time just a little bit...

Works sucksss. I work all 5 days next week. Oh well. At least I will have money! I can't wait to see the earnings in my bank account.

Texts from last night is the most awesome web site!! bye bye for now

live it up!